Monday, February 23, 2009

Just Plane Dead

She stands in front of the entire plane
She tries her best to explain
What to do in the event of an emergency
And at the same time assuring us with her voice
This is in-fact,
A safe place to be.
I heard contrary to mass belief
It was one of the most dangerous ways to get around
That experts, statisticians and insurers have found

She places a very old lifejacket on...

"In the unlikely event of a landing at sea.."
Surely you cannot attempt a landing without land
Maybe this is what she means by unlikely
Maybe she should say
That there is a strong possibility
That we could plunge from the sky screaming all the way...
Sod trying to put a life jacket on
Maybe that's just a diversion to think about
Seconds before your lights will go out

She continues on,
With her demonstration

"Exits are here, here, here and here,
Two at the front two at the back."
Now I wasn't nervous when I waited in departures for this flight
Sitting, thinking of beer and weighing up whether to down a pint,
Should I dare?
It may make me need a pee in mid air
I heard when you pee up there in the sky
It's ejection from the plane forms a block of ice
And some unsuspecting passing person below might just die!
If it fell on their head,
Death by urination it is said,
Isn't a pleasant way to end up dead!

Anyway back to this pre-flight horror filled lecture.
Lifejacket - don't open, wait till you get outside right
Oxygen from the ceiling, mask on tight
Exits, gotcha
Sit and enjoy this flight.

So to recap...

In the event of an unlikely event
The following sequence is what should be followed
Listen to the captain speak loudly over the loud speaker
Place your oxygen mask over your face is the first thing to do
Before helping others that you see turning blue
Wrestle to get your seatbelt on
Pray or scream depending whether your coolness has gone
Maybe confess your unfaithfulness to your partner
Maybe a secret you've kept hidden or maybe you've lived with a lie
Remember to do this only if you're sure you're going to die
And plunge very very very quickly out of the sky
If perhaps your death isn't forthcoming
Perchance the plane's simply skidded
With sparks and flames flying
To a metal screaming halt
Wrestle with your seatbelt to get that off
And vault
Vault all those people who can't move as quickly
Punch and kick your way to the door
Pull anyone in your way to the floor
A matter of life for you, death for anyone in your way
Forget the excuse me or the pardons or the have a nice day
And hope one of those fun looking inflatable bouncy shoots is in place.
Or you may exit the exit and fall on your face.
That you wouldn't want to do
Lying, after all that effort to escape
With your skull cracked in two

These words I think should replace the instructions you're normally fed.
And should set you in better stead
So you know what you're doing
You'll avoid ending up just plane dead.

Gordon Taylor